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You Ever Wonder????

Why life can suck so much???

Still unemployed after 7 months........ staring at my house walls is making me a little batty! The only time I get out is for night class, but hey, at least I'm not in the house 24/7.

You ever notice how the idiots who call on an old debt always assume that their debt is the end all and be all of your life, and that you just have to pay it off??? I had one a week ago on a debt that is 5 years old.... and they just insisted that I would absolutely HAVE to pay this old debt or my credit would be ruined and my life was over...... BAH!

My husband is getting laid off... excuse me... 'reduction-in-workforce'..... this Friday, because his company is sending the help-desk call center to India......... idiots!.... But at least he's got a way better chance at finding a new job than I do with his skills.... computer tech's are in demand at the moment, CAD Drafters are not.

Am I alone?????

I should be in bed.... really, I should be......

Instead I find myself up and worrying about a LOT of RL shite.

I'm starting to get a little desperate about finding a job. It's going on six months now and still nothing. None of the resumes I've sent in since August has even gotten me a call back, not a peep. I feel as if I've wasted the last 3 years of my life going after an Associate's Degree in CAD/CDD. In this economy it's not a good place to have a degree in..... no one's hiring for drafter/designer's, not a single company.

Trying to pay bills on a single income is rough and really sucks ass. Now I have to worry if my husband and I can even keep the house we purchased last May. And then we find out at the beginning of December that he's going to lose his job in March due to company reduction in workforce. He says we'll be okay, but I can hear the worry in his voice.

And I can't even talk to my closest friend about it, cause she's in even worse shape financially and all she wants to do is complain about her situation. Which just depresses me even more, and that's something I really have to watch out for....... I suffered from depression this time last year and was on meds for it. I was lucky and was able to beat it and get off the drugs, so I really am sensative to my emotional balance right now, I can tell when it's getting worse and I desperately try to deal with it before I end up back on drugs which is something I DO NOT WANT.

And on Christmas Eve we went out to dinner and when we came out my Durango had a flat tire...... so instead of going home and relaxing we had to spend an hour changing the tire on my truck. Merry fucking Christmas!

So I try to drown myself in Final Fantasy VII fanfiction yaoi. Which drives my husband nuts because he doesn't understand my fascination for it or the lovely bishoen. I can't talk to any of my local friends about yaoi cause they just don't get it. I try to write to help me deal with my emotions and I find I can't even do that at the moment.

So I sit here, listening to Gackt video's on YouTube, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. Gackt.... that's another thing my husband doesn't understand. He can't fathom why I can listen to a singer who sings in a language I cannot understand and enjoy the music immensely.

The one person that I really want to talk to about all this shite is in CA and is really hard to get ahold of most nights, but she is like a sister to me and I love her dearly. I just wish I could talk to her more.

So... here I sit...... Gackt on in the headphones........ trying not to cry from fear/worry/frustration....... and desperately wishing I had a few of the answers I need........

I really need to go to bed....

Kindred Spirits 1/30+

TOP SECRET:

YOUR EYES ONLY!


Codename: PANTHERA

 

**********************************

 

November 28, 2178

From the desk of Doctor Hillary Jentra:

MEMO to the Director of Operations:


A 21-year-old female with accelerated healing abilities and heightened senses has been captured recently. Initial testing confirmed the subject's healing abilities. As per last memo the subject has under gone the adamantium fusing procedure. In her case we have elected to only work on her forearms, hands, shins, and feet. The metal was surgically bonded to the bones in the subject's forearms to her fingertips, and from her kneecaps to her feet. We have also added a dagger-like extension to the subject's forearms. It is activated by a sharp snap back from the wrist, it emerges from the palm of the subject and locks into place providing a deadly weapon to the subject.

 

The subject was then given the usual mindwipe and memory implants. However the subject has shown an intense resistance to the implants and as a result of this resistance the subject is currently undergoing extensive sensory deprivation. The 'tank' has been highly successful on other occasions and I foresee no problems with continuing the initial course of preparation.

Dr. Jentra

 

**********************************

 

UPDATE:

December 5, 2178,

The subject has proven to be extremely violent in the 'tank.' My suggested course of action is to give the subject a treatment of nethyloxine. I am aware of the highly experimental nature of this drug but I feel it appropriate for this subject.

Dr. Jentra

 

**********************************

 

REPLY:

December 5, 2178,


Request for the nethyloxine is approved. Continue with the training.

Director of Operations

 

**********************************

 

June 8, 2180,

From the desk of Doctor Hillary Jentra:

MEMO to the Director of Operations:


Subject Codename: Panthera.

Training: Nearing completion. Subject has surpassed black belt levels in the following martial arts: Aikido, Judo, Tae Kwon Do, Hap Ki Do, Kempo, Ninjistsu, and Muey Thai. Subject is a Level One pilot, and has the ability to fly anything with wings or rotors. Subject is highly trained in the following courses: Hand-to-hand Combat, Unarmed Combat, Assassination, Sniper, Disguise, Underwater Attack, and can readily use any weapon ever built.

Conclusion: I can only foresee one possible problem with subject Panthera.

Because of the necessary use of nethyloxine to control the subject's violent outbursts it may prove dangerous to send her on missions alone for extended periods of time. As you know extended use of nethyloxine has proven to be highly addictive, and since the side effects are not yet fully known at this time I am concerned with her being in the field without a steady supply of the drug. Subject has been on this drug for a year and a half with minimal side effects, but I do want to keep a close watch on her conditioning.

Dr. Jentra

 

**********************************

 

June 10, 2180,

REPLY:


Your concern is noted and this command has taken that problem into consideration.

However, since the subject is fully trained and we have need of her abilities in the field, I am ordering her immediate release to this command.

Director of Operations

 

**********************************

 

June 10, 2180,

Re: REPLY:


Panthera is released from my care. She is yours to command. I do require that she be evaluated on a regular basis, I think every six months will do fine.

Dr. Jentra

 

**********************************

 

December 10, 2180,

SEMI-ANNUAL EVALUATION:

Subject Panthera:

Subject is in excellent condition. Subject's mutant abilities are working perfectly and healing abilities are at full strength. Subject's use and consequential addiction to nethyloxine have not done any harm to her body, in fact the drug seems to be intensify certain emotions such as rage, hatred, as well as boosting her adrenaline levels. Subject's other emotions have gone dormant, which in this case is not really a concern.

Dr. Jentra

 

**********************************

 

June 5, 2181,

SEMI-ANNUAL EVALUATION:


Subject Panthera:

Subject is in excellent condition. However subject's addiction to nethyloxine has increased requiring increasing the dosage of the drug to maintain control over the subject.

In itself this should not concern me, however, considering the subject's history with Department H, it could lead to subject's lashing out at a commander here.

I recommend that the subject be given nethyloxine doses that are laced with tewaynox. The combination will allow me to reduce the amount of nethyloxine given but still enable me to control her rage.

Dr. Jentra

 

**********************************

 

June 6, 2181,

Re: SEMI-ANNUAL EVALUATION:


Your course of action is approved.

Director of Operations

 

**********************************

 

June 12, 2186,

ANNUAL EVALUATION:

Subject Panthera:

Subject has leveled off in her required dosage of nethyloxine/tewaynox. Subject remains withdrawn and surly toward others, but responds well to orders, which, in several cases has saved an antagonist's life.

Dr. Jentra

 

**********************************

Personal Diary:

 

It is my understanding that Panthera is continuing to remain a loner. An action that has several others on the prowl for a fight. In fact, several times Panthera has been set upon by more than one attacker and she remains unharmed. Since orders from a superior officer is the only thing that Panthera will answer to the prompt arrival on several occasions has saved the life of her attackers. But personally, I think anyone crazy enough to attack Panthera fully deserves what they get. That woman is pure mean with an ice-cold stone where her heart was once. She shows no remorse over killing, and shows no morality concerning her actions. I wonder if this is the way that she always was or did our tampering with her mind turn her into this killing machine.

 

Heaven help us if we ever lose control of her.

 

Hillary

 


Greetings

Well..... I can't believe this... but I finally got an LJ!

I must be a glutton for punishment, but I do plan on putting up my stories. It's a wild variety since I write in several genre's. Namely Star Wars (my first love), X-Men (a friend got me into that one), Lord of the Rings (Legolas is yummy, but my first love will always be Haldir!), Pirates of the Caribbean (not sure where that one came from!), a Stargate SG1 and Mummy crossover that is begging to be finished, and finally, with the most delicious boys, FFVII.

I've found that what I write most people would probably call Mary Sues... although I DESPISE that term. My female characters are, in essence, a part of me, and to have them belittled as Mary Sues just pisses me off. So, I write what I want, and as I write to please myself, that is all that matters to me in the end. I tend to write stories where the female char has flaws or issues that need dealing with, but in the end it makes them a stronger person. I do try to keep the canon char's in character, but sometimes they slip a little. Mostly that's because I lose track of what I'm doing sometimes.

So... if you are interested, keep an eye on this LJ and I will get my stories up, slowly, but surely.

Thanks for your attention.

CSW

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snowwollfe
snowwollfe

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